Mahie Blog

 I was running in the darkness madly I want to escape  I want to touch the light I saw a glimpse of light  It was a suffocated cottage filled with snakes I tried to get into that and managed to stay alive in that crowd of deadly snakes in a lighted suffocated cottage I survived  But my wounds are still bleeding . . . . . .

I have to push myself, I know already the whole of my life is in front of me, I know better that no one ever comes forward to push me to do my tasks, and nobody can not be. I do not have a shoulder which can soak my tears and make me fly without wings, it's always me vs me; I know it very well. Still, I wake up daily and wait for the miracle. I have to grow new wings and again fly towards unknown directions and destinations, I want to do this and I have to do this. Only Me is the person who actually knows what I actually want, What actually needed the most. I actually exactly know. I need death.

 Missing the Mess It's very true that every person has a different perspective of life and the struggles of their lives are different too. But sometimes I miss the old mess I used to be, the mess I became unexpectedly, and the mess I never wanted to be but I was. I miss that mess of my life when I get upset over something made in my head, something very distracting. Sometimes very focused sometimes very immature, Maybe old me is still alive in the corner of my heart, sitting silently afraid of the fears of future, afraid of people, afraid of the way people got changed. It's life but it is life. Sometimes you get opened to someone so much that you could not reopen like that again ever, even if you try. These bonds could be held between immature innocent kids who have not experienced detachment. Souls could bond again but minds could not. satisfaction or happiness On my to find my way out of this life, I have realized that love and satisfaction are two different things. We can be...

A lot has changed in time, from January to July, I was trying to gather life together, and my writing skills are getting worse and my analytical skills too because I have opted a way out of it and that's a way of avoidance. I don't like to communicate my fears, my weaknesses, and my shortcomings and I just want to relive the life that remained in my bucket. Mostly I want to share my experiences and write about each and every moment, about my feelings but sometimes I dont have words. sometimes I don't have feelings and sometimes both.  I just want to post that blog to make my account relive and start breathing again. it's October now and a lot has passed, daily I have learned new values, sometimes I just have to say that this world is a chain of experiences and emotions. Sometimes your emotions dominate and similarly, sometimes you could have full control of your emotions. Sometimes you know that certain emotions can damage your peace but you do not stop letting them dis...

 Sometimes rather most of the time, We can not free the person we loved, maybe because we do not love them the most or maybe we cannot love them the most. Because somewhere else someone either is making efforts to see us happy but we want to make others happy, we are not free. We are bound by the people who are making efforts for us, we are bound by the expectation they had already built for us, we are bound by the lives we were designed to live, we are bound by the paths we have already c hosed for ourselves. We can not feel the pain of someone we love and release their pain or help them. maybe this healing could hurt us too badly and break the beautiful bond of the expectations of some precious people we have already who made efforts too. At this time I think that the best solution is to release and move with the flow because you know when they g not in your control letting them go is the best way to stay positive and grow healthily. This is not the only thing rather we can not c...

Criticism It was very clear to me when I decided to write  that criticism is something you have to face. Like yeah you have to whenever you have to show something to someone, to represent someone, these someones are open rather invited to criticize to point out the mistakes they think there are, however, or maybe that is your style or your whole point to writing or whatever. But the thing here is that I was very sure and still decided to write, even in my last post I admitted that I am open to criticism and being judged, but damn man that's another level of patience required for criticism. This whole stage of my life is all about criticism of different things, the way you think, the way you think like damnn yeah, people don't even pass comments on the way you think while I am like yeah plz Can I think alone? Like, think in my head don't come to see what am I thinking. Period. The second type and the worst type of criticism is the one which you have to face from your whole s...

 Today I met the worst failure of my life. And when I said so I mean it. Like I go to a place where I always dreamt of but look at others being a part of that dream and living my dream. Being a person raising hands for clapping on the achievements of those who are living my dreams. I thought it would be difficult to be there, it was too but not that much. It gave me a feeling of joy with sadness, I could not read the feeling exactly, I was not aware of these before, and I was in the middle of all my failures at once. The feelings I was trying to keep to myself for years, the dreams which I keep to myself since childhood in front of me and I had to face them just like an intruder or a stranger, those were my dreams and I couldn't fulfil them. I couldn't understand why it didn't break me into pieces, just for a moment I felt shaken and broken but I knew that it would make it so I stay there and keep moving. It helped me realise that maybe those were not my dreams or now I get...

 When your hands are empty and you are barefooted with empty black heart, standing middle of chaos of life, waving at life hoping for life and standing besides dead life. Is not what death actually? Is there any other end of this end too ? Or just the repetition of failures, tries and cries? Search of hope, finding light, getting it's fake, stepping forward, stepping to the darkness and search of hope! Cycle continues. Life in heads is very heavy, life outside is just a mere reflection like nothing. Nothing like nothing. What if the ways of your survival got blocked, you have to wait in scortching heat, bare footed, head down, standing in  center of emptiness. I don't need empathy, sympathy or connections. I need me. My hands are empty, no hopes no happiness, i need answers i need patience i need my old self back.

After so long! I am trying to convince myself that I can write again besides judging myself based on what people could think and predict about me. It's neither easy nor difficult like a Lil decision, every beating heart can indeed feel but not every hand can write it down for them, and I had not been writing in respect to those silent beating hearts for so long. Still, now I want to become brave enough to accept that I have a loud heart. It speaks for everyone, it feels every word heard, it shouts when saw someone cry it feels bad about failures. That is only an introduction, but the point is, Is it okay not to synchronise with the old you? what if you lost your true self in the journey, will the destination still be called success? Are we going in the correct direction? Why do people NOT stop and make it right? What if people could not accept your changes? what if you lost more friends in finding yourself? Maybe I will not publish this blog as well because people including me coul...

It might be the soul or hope?  It might be like this, yes, it might be possible that you laugh very typically and do all the chores of everyday life, you make people smile, you miss your home, you like talking to new people, you forget about the dark parts of your life, the dark truths of your personality, which you only can unfold in front of the Creator because people are not meant to be your judge. That's why HE has a lot of curtains. He concealed your dark deep parts from the shallow world and made you able to live the most normal life up there. And then night covers all the world. When you look around, you see dark, and in this darkness, you can see the dark deep truths of your personality, and you appreciate how courageous you are, who fought against the hot winds of the bright sunny day and then took a walk to the dark deep night, where you are standing alone like you are in your grave, where you, the Lord, and the dark deep personality will be taken. Might be this dark deep...

Love is more than fantasy  I used to believe that love is the unseen bond you have with someone, the vibe you get which grows with time and the bond becomes stronger. When you feel happy without any specific reason, you least expect from the other person. Then Thing's get changed and it convinced me that it could be a good vibe you get from someone but it could not be unconditional true love. There might be a person you think you love the most but you people are totally opposite, you may giving them chances, they might show concern but they never know real you, they constantly judge you and blame you for your mistakes. Their words may heal your wounds but they prefer creating confusions, they may show concern care but in actual you felt distant. They might be good people but not the right one. Sometimes more random people could understand you better, but you still chasing and giving chances to ones who can't have the capabilities to understand your struggle, who can't feel ...

Move  Move I am writing after so long, maybe because I was trying to be more mature or act like that. people around believed that not expressing yourself is a sign of maturity and I was trying what they said as absolutely an act of immaturity again.  Filling my heart with unseen emotions after the emptiness and then making it empty again for another spell is not easy for sure But I did it again and again and now I am not feeling any sort of shame in expressing this all because I survived in a world where a lot of people commit suicide because they don't have the courage to brace their wounds, they get every day and each day because of having expectations and getting hurt again ad again, expectations from themselves or from people around them. This is not something I was going to write but I wrote it because maybe I have had this in my head since last week. I am proud of myself and this is what a person needs to move forward to be alive to stay and breathe and survive,  ...

Pluck the stars We always struggling to live a successful life and some of us become bitter and toxic in process. However our life is not leading us to the bright morning where we can inhale fresh air. But life is all about enabling us to pluck stars in the dark night and keep moving the darkness untill we can see the stars and collect them in our basket. If we stop hoping for the sunny day and start making ways in night , it might be easier for us to survive. It might overcome our bitterness and take away the toxicity. Life is hidden in dark deep hopeless nights, if you can pluck the stars in this lightless darkness you don't need a sunny morning to welcome your path. Your path is your destination. It's better to find ways to satisfy with your dark path.

Regrets For Having Regrets  In the dark night with no moon cool breeze and plane sky with lots lots of stars which lost their shine because of my vision. My vision is lost to my regrets Regrets of not being completely able to do to what i am supposed to do regrets Regrets of waiting for something which i lost in the pain regrets  Refrets of waiting for more pain regrets  Regrets of not stopping myself from being in constant pain. Regrets of becoming the victim Become the cursed one regret of being not sufficient Regret of still consistently and constantly progressing life regrets of having regrets  Regrets of not to be efficient in Loving someone Of being loved  Regrets of not being what i supposed to be Regrets of not letting go the sorrow  The moon less nights cool breeze and empty heart with regrets is heavier than ever still holding the breath still not stay still still having flowing with the loads of regrets is producing other regrets

Hope is eternal It fills the emptiness of your soul There is no theoretical means of getting hopeful and vanishing your hopelessness I wrote about transition period last year,  Link of that() After the transition period you get stuck in a hot air balloon. This balloon start raising you from ground of emotions to the height of nothingness  At the peak of nothingness you will feel accomplished You can smell the happiness all around you You will learn to smile and smile  And this will fly you above You will reach a point where you feel difficulty in breathing Suddenly hot air balloon start moving  It got burst Transition period ended  And you got stuck in the emptiness In the space Where there will be no emotions Where there will be no sound Where there will be no vision It is worst than the nothingness But it is blessing as well because it will not surround you with fake happinesses It is the real  Sorrounded with real sorrow With the real pain Emptiness does...

Emotional Isolation Courtesy is the first thing which can connect two people  once they stop giving respect to each other's personal diversity the peaceful bond could broke despite of their feeling, the attitude and conduct can make a potential barrier words lost their magic voice lost its worth sound lost its rhythm noise of rushing aggression covers the whole emptiness and strengthen the barrier humans started fading out feelings confined them in brain they get emotionally isolated now you never to know the real feelings this is virtual disconnection of humans they can't understand each other only chaos prevails and shadows of real sentiments.

Emptiness Hot molten magma is sliding through the dark tunnel of my ear Songs are beating my ear drums continuously in a random sequence Anger in my veins is gradually growing as the drops of the molten hot lava touches the surface of the fragile neurons of my burning brain.  Volume of noise of song is trying to supress the yelling of my heart Heart which is about to die and taking its last breath.  Songs supress its last scream, lava reached the flat plateau of mind.  Brain is about to burst. Echo Echo  of last scream of the heart was useless as the first one Brain is dead now Hot molten magma has vanished its integrity  Hot molten lava has swallowed its dignity Thick boiling mixture invaded my brain and killed it. Alas! Brain was brutally burnt with molten lava Heart was died in silence Words only words left in this universe of life Words jumbled up Try to narrate the brutality of molten hot magma Try to raise voice for the unheard screams of heart But...

Untold chunks of story The gaps in the flow of story and the untold part of the tale had designed the end of story. Moral is always hidden in the mystery of that broken chain of the incidents.  If you grasp the whole situation and could guess the right actions as adept in any kind of circumstances.  Then your story would end well and its moral will be less painful and more blissful. If someone could solve the mystery of these broken chunks they might get that it was nothing more than a fragile moment which was gone wrong.  It was not me neither you it was the just fragile moment which had turned the story differently. .

Slave Of your expectations I am slave of my ouwn thoughts my wn desires my own wisdom but i could not be peace ful until I show my anger to whom I want to show I show love to whom I want I can not flee the worries and fly in the heights of sky because I am slave of your expections I have to judge what you want I have to be polite so that you sould not feel bad I  have to be decent because you should not feel guilty I could not breath in fresh air where I am not caged .

Fate heals you Peace can't hurt someone else. People get hurt when they created the causes of someone else's unrest. Unrest always begets unrest. If you break trust you will be ended like the rotten pages of unread book. Your story is as miserable as you make someone in their lives. Although you should be your first priority but this couldn't enable you to destroy anyone else. Your fake desires can burn the real world of roses of other person. You could restrain yourself from not being cruel otherwise cruelty engrave you. You become a symbol of victim but you couldn't find mercy for you. Because cruelty begets cruelty. Be gentle, be humble. This world is yours and you don't need to be cruel. Be patient to see how the universe heal you. Be consistent and see how the fate resolves your story. Stay hopeful and see how your miseries are turned into your  strengths.  Your heart will be filled be softness and your soul with peace. Peace which engulf the cruelty and g...