Mahie Blog

Criticism It was very clear to me when I decided to write  that criticism is something you have to face. Like yeah you have to whenever you have to show something to someone, to represent someone, these someones are open rather invited to criticize to point out the mistakes they think there are, however, or maybe that is your style or your whole point to writing or whatever. But the thing here is that I was very sure and still decided to write, even in my last post I admitted that I am open to criticism and being judged, but damn man that's another level of patience required for criticism. This whole stage of my life is all about criticism of different things, the way you think, the way you think like damnn yeah, people don't even pass comments on the way you think while I am like yeah plz Can I think alone? Like, think in my head don't come to see what am I thinking. Period. The second type and the worst type of criticism is the one which you have to face from your whole s

 Today I met the worst failure of my life. And when I said so I mean it. Like I go to a place where I always dreamt of but look at others being a part of that dream and living my dream. Being a person raising hands for clapping on the achievements of those who are living my dreams. I thought it would be difficult to be there, it was too but not that much. It gave me a feeling of joy with sadness, I could not read the feeling exactly, I was not aware of these before, and I was in the middle of all my failures at once. The feelings I was trying to keep to myself for years, the dreams which I keep to myself since childhood in front of me and I had to face them just like an intruder or a stranger, those were my dreams and I couldn't fulfil them. I couldn't understand why it didn't break me into pieces, just for a moment I felt shaken and broken but I knew that it would make it so I stay there and keep moving. It helped me realise that maybe those were not my dreams or now I get

 When your hands are empty and you are barefooted with empty black heart, standing middle of chaos of life, waving at life hoping for life and standing besides dead life. Is not what death actually? Is there any other end of this end too ? Or just the repetition of failures, tries and cries? Search of hope, finding light, getting it's fake, stepping forward, stepping to the darkness and search of hope! Cycle continues. Life in heads is very heavy, life outside is just a mere reflection like nothing. Nothing like nothing. What if the ways of your survival got blocked, you have to wait in scortching heat, bare footed, head down, standing in  center of emptiness. I don't need empathy, sympathy or connections. I need me. My hands are empty, no hopes no happiness, i need answers i need patience i need my old self back.

After so long! I am trying to convince myself that I can write again besides judging myself based on what people could think and predict about me. It's neither easy nor difficult like a Lil decision, every beating heart can indeed feel but not every hand can write it down for them, and I had not been writing in respect to those silent beating hearts for so long. Still, now I want to become brave enough to accept that I have a loud heart. It speaks for everyone, it feels every word heard, it shouts when saw someone cry it feels bad about failures. That is only an introduction, but the point is, Is it okay not to synchronise with the old you? what if you lost your true self in the journey, will the destination still be called success? Are we going in the correct direction? Why do people NOT stop and make it right? What if people could not accept your changes? what if you lost more friends in finding yourself? Maybe I will not publish this blog as well because people including me coul

It might be the soul or hope?  It might be like this, yes it might be possible that you laugh very typical and do all the chores of everyday life, you make people smile, you miss your home, you like talking to new people, you forget bout the dark parts of your life, the dark truths of your personalities, which you only can unfold in front of the creator because people are not meant to be your judge, that's why HE has a lot of curtains, He concealed your dark deep parts from the shallow world and make you able to live the most normal life up there and then night covers all the worlds, when you see around you see dark and in this darkness, you can see the dark deep truths if your personalities and you appreciate that how much courageous you are who fought against the hot winds of the bright sunny day and then take a walk to the dark deep night, where you are standing alone like you are in your grave, where you the lord and the dark deep personality will be taken. Might be this dark d

Love is more than fantasy  I used to believe that love is the unseen bond you have with someone, the vibe you get which grows with time and the bond becomes stronger. When you feel happy without any specific reason, you least expect from the other person. Then Thing's get changed and it convinced me that it could be a good vibe you get from someone but it could not be unconditional true love. There might be a person you think you love the most but you people are totally opposite, you may giving them chances, they might show concern but they never know real you, they constantly judge you and blame you for your mistakes. Their words may heal your wounds but they prefer creating confusions, they may show concern care but in actual you felt distant. They might be good people but not the right one. Sometimes more random people could understand you better, but you still chasing and giving chances to ones who can't have the capabilities to understand your struggle, who can't feel

Move  Move I am writing after so long, maybe because I was trying to be more mature or act like that. people around believed that not expressing yourself is a sign of maturity and I was trying what they said as absolutely an act of immaturity again.  Filling my heart with unseen emotions after the emptiness and then making it empty again for another spell is not easy for sure But I did it again and again and now I am not feeling any sort of shame in expressing this all because I survived in a world where a lot of people commit suicide because they don't have the courage to brace their wounds, they get every day and each day because of having expectations and getting hurt again ad again, expectations from themselves or from people around them. This is not something I was going to write but I wrote it because maybe I have had this in my head since last week. I am proud of myself and this is what a person needs to move forward to be alive to stay and breathe and survive,   I am proud