Mahie Blog

 Today I met the worst failure of my life. And when I said so I mean it. Like I go to a place where I always dreamt of but look at others being a part of that dream and living my dream. Being a person raising hands for clapping on the achievements of those who are living my dreams. I thought it would be difficult to be there, it was too but not that much. It gave me a feeling of joy with sadness, I could not read the feeling exactly, I was not aware of these before, and I was in the middle of all my failures at once. The feelings I was trying to keep to myself for years, the dreams which I keep to myself since childhood in front of me and I had to face them just like an intruder or a stranger, those were my dreams and I couldn't fulfil them. I couldn't understand why it didn't break me into pieces, just for a moment I felt shaken and broken but I knew that it would make it so I stay there and keep moving. It helped me realise that maybe those were not my dreams or now I get

 When your hands are empty and you are barefooted with empty black heart, standing middle of chaos of life, waving at life hoping for life and standing besides dead life. Is not what death actually? Is there any other end of this end too ? Or just the repetition of failures, tries and cries? Search of hope, finding light, getting it's fake, stepping forward, stepping to the darkness and search of hope! Cycle continues. Life in heads is very heavy, life outside is just a mere reflection like nothing. Nothing like nothing. What if the ways of your survival got blocked, you have to wait in scortching heat, bare footed, head down, standing in  center of emptiness. I don't need empathy, sympathy or connections. I need me. My hands are empty, no hopes no happiness, i need answers i need patience i need my old self back.

After so long! I am trying to convince myself that I can write again besides judging myself based on what people could think and predict about me. It's neither easy nor difficult like a Lil decision, every beating heart can indeed feel but not every hand can write it down for them, and I had not been writing in respect to those silent beating hearts for so long. Still, now I want to become brave enough to accept that I have a loud heart. It speaks for everyone, it feels every word heard, it shouts when saw someone cry it feels bad about failures. That is only an introduction, but the point is, Is it okay not to synchronise with the old you? what if you lost your true self in the journey, will the destination still be called success? Are we going in the correct direction? Why do people NOT stop and make it right? What if people could not accept your changes? what if you lost more friends in finding yourself? Maybe I will not publish this blog as well because people including me coul